Another night of him saying "i can't/couldn't sleep".  I also noticed several blog pages opened up on my phone.  Some of them mine.  Some of them not.  I was advised to journal, and so this is how i do. I've been here before.  I used to journal on paper.  Then Q intruded.  There were angry, judging words in there.   Well, the intent was getting things out for MY emotional/mental health.  The impact?  (of my my "getting it out" & his choice to intrude) was a very hurt & angry Q.  I once heard it said " Feedback is feedback, it's neither positive or negative...it's just feedback".  Anyway the point is, here i am again.  Jealousy as my partner.   I promised i'd never do this myself.  I swear i really did try to keep that promise!  I recall the break up.  I recall HONESTLY expressing my concerns.  I remember the concerns about me (i think i'm always right,  i'm controlling, i'm a work aholic).  The thing that sticks out the most is i was honest to another's face about what i did NOT like about them.  Do you know this is probably the 1st time i ever told a man my honest (not positive) feelings about him?   It was a big step for me.  It is way easier for me to get (negative) feedback than to give it.

Jealosy definately lives here.   Hmmm.  How do i advocate for self AND accept another where they are on their path?   I've said many times:  you can't plan to change them, you have to accept them how they are.  And they have to do this for/with you.  Otherwise a marriage will NOT work.   So...how's it working for you kiddos?   Are you & your spouses doung this with/for each other?  No? Well what can YOU do to help improve that?  Can you control your partner?  No.  Can you express your feelings?  yes.  Can you have boundaries?  Yes!

My boundry/promise to self (self-advocacy):  i will NOT be responsible for another's jealousy.  I will not own another's jealousy.   I will NOT avoid a conversation with a person of XY chromosomes JUST to appease another's jealousy.  That all ended.  I must say the compramising photo helped.  That is sad.  I should've loved myself enough, been confident enough to be true to self enough to NOT own/carry another person's jealousy.  I thought i could "make" them happy/secure by carrying their burden of jealousy.  I knew i was stronger than they were, so I would carry this bag of rocks (jealousy) for them.  I was strong enough to limit/cage myself and STILL find beauty and joy.  I would still be able to be happy & i'd help make them happy.  Wrong.  False.

It's all about choice.  They've gotta choose to be happy (& confront their own jealousy).   Me doing it for them does 2 bad things:  1) stifles their growth by enabling behavior to continue.  2) slowly deteriorates my (emotional/mental) strength, health, and ability to enJOY and be happy.  God made me to share and connect.  I know this.  I KNOW it's why i'm in this body on this earth.  With every fiber of my being i know this & feel it.

I love.  I'm going to love myself just as much now.  23.

I am off to work for another day.  At least being in my EO world makes me feel more connected.  So many thoughts I've had.  So many I wish to share.

Humility was/is definitely one reason.   I judged a him & a her once for this.  I judged him, the prior Tac-P, Comissioning source top grad a lot more than her.  After all, he was married.   How could SUCH a wonderful and charismatic leader NOT lead by example in this one way?  I was disappointed.  I never considered that the partner wasn't loving/supportive or faithful.  I didn't have full knowledge of all the information/facts.

Definition of prejudice:  adverse opinion or judgement formed (beforehand or) WITHOUT FULL KNOWLEDGE / COMPLETE EXAMINATION OF THE FACTS.

I couldn't very well examine all the facts if I didn't have'em, now could I?  So was/is me judging him for this act a prejudice?

Definition of Stereotype:  conventional, oversimplified opinion, concept or belief.

So...aren't values and morals types of beliefs?

According to DEOMI/SSG:  Morals are beliefs/ideas of right and wrong
                                               Values are beliefs/ideas of good and bad

Whatever.  They oversimplified.  Values are about right & wrong too.

Point:  If one accepts/agrees that;  if forming adverse opinions w/o FULL knowledge of the facts (prejudice)  is bad, then how can one judge another based on ONE, SMALL bit of knowledge about another (even if it were infidelity)?

Point:  If one accepts/agrees that; oversimplified  concepts/beliefs (stereotypes) are BAD, then don't we need to define WHAT CONSTITITES an "oversimplified belief"?
How is that any different that "you just have to accept that Jesus is God", or "you just have to accept there is a Trinity", or "you just have to accept that Aliens don't exist", or "you just have to accept that God made some beings (pick one; whites over blacks, males over females, heterosexuals over homosexuals) superior to others"?   It's all bullshit.   We, I, have NO business judging one another!

We all screw up.  We all succeed.  Every dog has it's day.  All I know is this:  I LOVE loving.  I love sharing. I love learning.  I love talking.  I LOVE connecting.  Sometimes this life,  all this "programming" that we do to ourselves and one another in this socialization process....well this life is just TOO CONFINING to me!!!!

I wanna dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill me w/o remembering the limitations of being human (b/c that's NOT how we began, it's NOT our source, it's NOT who/what we are in a deeper level)!

I DO see beauty every day, even when it's not pretty.  God, the Great Spirit, the Holy Spirit is everywhere--open your eyes!  I DO source my life from its presence!

I really wanna be able to live with failure, mine and yours, and still shout "YES" to the moon.

The problem?   Ponder this:    "I want to know if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul"

I don't know if I can bear the accusation of betrayal (by all who've been programmed the same way as I & to view certain things as "bad" & "wrong")?   I have betrayed my soul practically all my life (that's a different blog entirely).   & THaT is what's killing me.  That's where I lack confidence.

Humility.  I was my starting thought today.  There's much more, but that's a good stopping point for now.  No one is perfect.  Judging does not help the judger, nor the judged. Only love seems always good, regardless.    Failure is painful, but look how much (humble) growth can come kiddo.  Hang in there my sweet child.  & relish those moments you connected and felt loved.  Keep picturing those eyes, that smile.  Keep hearing that wonderful voice.  Shout "Yes".  Have the confidence to know you are imperfect and still worthy of love.   Just love. Yourself and others.  That's what you are good at...so go forth and do it.   23.

(Jul 6)  She said "I feel like I'm w/ a man".   An interesting comment, don't you think?   I heard it and I think so.  25 minutes ago of you would've asked me my thoughts on this I woul've said "I just want someone else to handle this; why does it feel like it always has to be me?    So is that what I think a man is?  Someone who can handle it?  Or at least someone who can help me handle it?  Or at the very least, someone who isn't gonna put more weight/stress on me while I have to handle it because they can't.     I don't know that all this necessarily has to do with one's "Man-ness", but it seems like a part of it for me.   (Finished July 8): It's about having a partner.  It's always nice having a partner whom with which you feel supported.  It is so nice when you ask a question to hear "I don't know...let me find out".  Or "I don't know" but then a few minutes later they give you the answer.  Such a small thing...but oh so huge!   I shouldn't complain tho.   oh how sweet those moments are when I didn't feel like I was alone to deal with it.

On another note, I think stature has something to do with it too.  Like I've said a million times before; I've never been the kind of girl who went looking for a "type" of guy.   I was socialized to place more value on internal (characteristics/values/behaviors) qualities of people than their external qualities.  I like that I was "programmed" that way.  Even tho I recognize that it was indeed programming, I like it.  I think it's good.  I like looking on the inside of people, it's WAY more interesting than what's on the outside.   HOWEVER;  I've denied myself my own feelings.  I've denied to ALLOW myself to acknowledge that certain things (physical characteristics) actually result in a different feeling within me.  Don't get me wrong;  the physical characteristics of stature like height and fitness, as nice as they can be, can actually be repulsive if the inside isn't just as nice (for instance:  wonderful thoughts,  based on a diverse set of past experiences combined with a helpful/caring spirit, a love of knowledge and an open, spiritual soul.

Well;  I never woulda had time to get all this out in writing without this time waiting to see the doctor (all because places won't refill prescriptions over the phone w/o seeing you & I am NOT driving back across 3 states to see the same doc).  So...here I sit...with my thoughts.   I've had one gentlemen initiate a conversation & then continue to share with me how awesome his savior is.  While I get it, and agree with his sentiment (in a deep but different way) it still strikes me as proselytizing and deeming him being unaware of his impact (his intent did seem honestly just to share).   I had a lot of DEOMI like thoughts running thru my head.  Now I really just want to get on the road since I've now been waiting here for two hours.   Something tells me this was meant to be though;  my partner couldn't sleep & I felt obligated to inquire & listen.   I've changed apparently.  And my words don't match my actions.  It made him feel bad yesterday when I told my girlfriend (speaking on pedicures) "nope...those days are behind me now...that ended with Deomi".   That makes ME feel bad, why the hell would it make HIM feel bad?   He thinks I'm embarrassed of him.  Because I didn't introduce him to my friends. & because when we went to Taco City to eat I didn't stop at Fitz' & Jones' table to introduce'em either.  How am I supposed to explain that Fitz said to me "no offense, but I don't wanna meet him".  & it's all b/c he didn't condone his jealousy (nor do I).   How do I explain that?  I AM embarrassed by how jealous he is!  I DO feel sorry for myself that his damn pride gets in the way of him staying home & ME going to work.  He LOVES cleaning & cooking.  Why be ashamed if your good at it AND you love it?  So frustrating.  He does have a point tho:  I guess I typically do come home either tired or upset when I do my stints of full time work.  So maybe I WOULD be a class-A monster if I worked full time.  Why am I so f'd up?  I've always wanted a family and now I have one. Why am I always picturing this parallel reality in my head.  Changing the scenery doesn't change things.  Like someone wise once said "wherever you go, there YOU are".  If that intrapersonal conflict is w/n u, it'll come out wherever (& w/ whoever) you find yourself.

So what's mine?  I have a hard time disappointing another to be true to myself.   I guess I have a hard time being alone & liking the company I keep too.  I love people too much.  Oh & I don't have a sense of humor, but I'm working on that.

Ok well who knows when I'll have this much time to myself again to get all this out.  Till my next entry...23 44.  Sorry I've got SO many words in this lil nugget of mine.  🍂.(1 leaf of the tree does not change without the silent acknowledgement of the whole).

Talking.  Sharing.  Reintegrating.  All while  Pictures flash into my head of stolen moments past.  43 Million things in my mind.

Just because

Just because I met you, my life is ever changed.  Just because I met you, thought processes rearranged.  I never shall forget you,  I'll never be the same.    23.

Last full week

It's crazy.  When you begin this human journey, you are you.   From day one you are socialized.  Then one day you realize you are having a hard time being you, or being true to you.  What a trip.  23.