Another night of him saying "i can't/couldn't sleep".  I also noticed several blog pages opened up on my phone.  Some of them mine.  Some of them not.  I was advised to journal, and so this is how i do. I've been here before.  I used to journal on paper.  Then Q intruded.  There were angry, judging words in there.   Well, the intent was getting things out for MY emotional/mental health.  The impact?  (of my my "getting it out" & his choice to intrude) was a very hurt & angry Q.  I once heard it said " Feedback is feedback, it's neither positive or negative...it's just feedback".  Anyway the point is, here i am again.  Jealousy as my partner.   I promised i'd never do this myself.  I swear i really did try to keep that promise!  I recall the break up.  I recall HONESTLY expressing my concerns.  I remember the concerns about me (i think i'm always right,  i'm controlling, i'm a work aholic).  The thing that sticks out the most is i was honest to another's face about what i did NOT like about them.  Do you know this is probably the 1st time i ever told a man my honest (not positive) feelings about him?   It was a big step for me.  It is way easier for me to get (negative) feedback than to give it.

Jealosy definately lives here.   Hmmm.  How do i advocate for self AND accept another where they are on their path?   I've said many times:  you can't plan to change them, you have to accept them how they are.  And they have to do this for/with you.  Otherwise a marriage will NOT work.   So...how's it working for you kiddos?   Are you & your spouses doung this with/for each other?  No? Well what can YOU do to help improve that?  Can you control your partner?  No.  Can you express your feelings?  yes.  Can you have boundaries?  Yes!

My boundry/promise to self (self-advocacy):  i will NOT be responsible for another's jealousy.  I will not own another's jealousy.   I will NOT avoid a conversation with a person of XY chromosomes JUST to appease another's jealousy.  That all ended.  I must say the compramising photo helped.  That is sad.  I should've loved myself enough, been confident enough to be true to self enough to NOT own/carry another person's jealousy.  I thought i could "make" them happy/secure by carrying their burden of jealousy.  I knew i was stronger than they were, so I would carry this bag of rocks (jealousy) for them.  I was strong enough to limit/cage myself and STILL find beauty and joy.  I would still be able to be happy & i'd help make them happy.  Wrong.  False.

It's all about choice.  They've gotta choose to be happy (& confront their own jealousy).   Me doing it for them does 2 bad things:  1) stifles their growth by enabling behavior to continue.  2) slowly deteriorates my (emotional/mental) strength, health, and ability to enJOY and be happy.  God made me to share and connect.  I know this.  I KNOW it's why i'm in this body on this earth.  With every fiber of my being i know this & feel it.

I love.  I'm going to love myself just as much now.  23.