(Jul 6)  She said "I feel like I'm w/ a man".   An interesting comment, don't you think?   I heard it and I think so.  25 minutes ago of you would've asked me my thoughts on this I woul've said "I just want someone else to handle this; why does it feel like it always has to be me?    So is that what I think a man is?  Someone who can handle it?  Or at least someone who can help me handle it?  Or at the very least, someone who isn't gonna put more weight/stress on me while I have to handle it because they can't.     I don't know that all this necessarily has to do with one's "Man-ness", but it seems like a part of it for me.   (Finished July 8): It's about having a partner.  It's always nice having a partner whom with which you feel supported.  It is so nice when you ask a question to hear "I don't know...let me find out".  Or "I don't know" but then a few minutes later they give you the answer.  Such a small thing...but oh so huge!   I shouldn't complain tho.   oh how sweet those moments are when I didn't feel like I was alone to deal with it.

On another note, I think stature has something to do with it too.  Like I've said a million times before; I've never been the kind of girl who went looking for a "type" of guy.   I was socialized to place more value on internal (characteristics/values/behaviors) qualities of people than their external qualities.  I like that I was "programmed" that way.  Even tho I recognize that it was indeed programming, I like it.  I think it's good.  I like looking on the inside of people, it's WAY more interesting than what's on the outside.   HOWEVER;  I've denied myself my own feelings.  I've denied to ALLOW myself to acknowledge that certain things (physical characteristics) actually result in a different feeling within me.  Don't get me wrong;  the physical characteristics of stature like height and fitness, as nice as they can be, can actually be repulsive if the inside isn't just as nice (for instance:  wonderful thoughts,  based on a diverse set of past experiences combined with a helpful/caring spirit, a love of knowledge and an open, spiritual soul.

Well;  I never woulda had time to get all this out in writing without this time waiting to see the doctor (all because places won't refill prescriptions over the phone w/o seeing you & I am NOT driving back across 3 states to see the same doc).  So...here I sit...with my thoughts.   I've had one gentlemen initiate a conversation & then continue to share with me how awesome his savior is.  While I get it, and agree with his sentiment (in a deep but different way) it still strikes me as proselytizing and deeming him being unaware of his impact (his intent did seem honestly just to share).   I had a lot of DEOMI like thoughts running thru my head.  Now I really just want to get on the road since I've now been waiting here for two hours.   Something tells me this was meant to be though;  my partner couldn't sleep & I felt obligated to inquire & listen.   I've changed apparently.  And my words don't match my actions.  It made him feel bad yesterday when I told my girlfriend (speaking on pedicures) "nope...those days are behind me now...that ended with Deomi".   That makes ME feel bad, why the hell would it make HIM feel bad?   He thinks I'm embarrassed of him.  Because I didn't introduce him to my friends. & because when we went to Taco City to eat I didn't stop at Fitz' & Jones' table to introduce'em either.  How am I supposed to explain that Fitz said to me "no offense, but I don't wanna meet him".  & it's all b/c he didn't condone his jealousy (nor do I).   How do I explain that?  I AM embarrassed by how jealous he is!  I DO feel sorry for myself that his damn pride gets in the way of him staying home & ME going to work.  He LOVES cleaning & cooking.  Why be ashamed if your good at it AND you love it?  So frustrating.  He does have a point tho:  I guess I typically do come home either tired or upset when I do my stints of full time work.  So maybe I WOULD be a class-A monster if I worked full time.  Why am I so f'd up?  I've always wanted a family and now I have one. Why am I always picturing this parallel reality in my head.  Changing the scenery doesn't change things.  Like someone wise once said "wherever you go, there YOU are".  If that intrapersonal conflict is w/n u, it'll come out wherever (& w/ whoever) you find yourself.

So what's mine?  I have a hard time disappointing another to be true to myself.   I guess I have a hard time being alone & liking the company I keep too.  I love people too much.  Oh & I don't have a sense of humor, but I'm working on that.

Ok well who knows when I'll have this much time to myself again to get all this out.  Till my next entry...23 44.  Sorry I've got SO many words in this lil nugget of mine.  🍂.(1 leaf of the tree does not change without the silent acknowledgement of the whole).